“…mourn with those who mourn”

One of the biggest lessons I learned when experiencing the grief of losing multiple friends is the reality that grief does not end after the funeral. Even though I knew this, I did not understand the magnitude of such weight and sadness that carries forward for days and years to come. You think about that person every day, if not multiple times per day. As the years continue on, you might not think about them everyday but you still remember them always.

Growing up my Mom always showed amazing strength and unwavering faith as she experienced deep grief from losing her older brother in a motorcycle accident when she was 15 and when she tragically lost her first husband at 27, my brother, Joseph, was one year old at the time. Then after my Dad and Mom were married they suffered a miscarriage at 5 months with their son, my brother, Isaiah. God blessed my Mom with great insight in working through her own grief and that of her little boy Joseph’s grief, relying on God’s wisdom and provision. Through it all she taught me and all of us valuable lessons in grief and what it looks like to trust in God’s sovereignty. I always knew my Mom was strong but only now am I realizing how strong she actually is for showing so much grace and beauty while navigating such hard loss. It truly puts into perspective what others are going through when it touches your life.

So here are a few things I’ve learned in grief over the years.  This is not a one size fits all post so please take these ideas and approach each situation on it’s own.  Each person grieves differently, so allow for grace and give grace in this season of grieving.  However, for most people I have talked to regarding grief of all kinds, they agreed that they felt the same way.  If you are unsure, ask the person grieving what they would like at the moment. 

As believers we are called to “rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.” From little on I remember being told this verse. As a society and as a church family, I think we are taught how to rejoice with others well but are often not taught what mourning with someone looks like.

When someone dies, we tend to rush in and support them through the funeral and for a few weeks afterwards, then walk away feeling that we have fulfilled our duty and move on. However, the mourning process is just starting for those who lost a loved one, so in reality, we should walk alongside a lot longer.

This doesn’t mean you need to spend every waking moment with that person, but showing up in random ways means more than you could ever know. Sending flowers, a text that says you are praying from them, a note, a meal, asking for a memory of that person, inviting them to dinner, bringing up the person, still including them in events even if they say no, etc.

So here is the first point I learned. It is okay to bring up the name of the person who passed away. Bringing up that person’s name will not ruin their day (again for most people) because we think about them EVERY SINGLE DAY. It shows that you have not forgotten us or the person we are grieving.

If someone were to come up to me and say, “Hannah, I’ve been praying for you as you continue to walk through the loss of Rachel,” or “can you share a memory with her?” it would be balm to my soul. If someone sent a card or flowers on the anniversary, it would bring tears to my eyes because it would remind me that I have not been forgotten, my friend has not been forgotten and my pain has not been forgotten.

Let me say it again, the loneliest part about grief is feeling like no one remembers. So any way you can be there to show that they have not been forgotten and their pain has not been forgotten is a gift.

When talking to someone about their lost loved one, it doesn’t have to be long or require a response back. It could be sitting with them, giving them a reassuring hug, telling them you are praying for them, or being with them as they process the event or even sharing some tears with them. Showing you can walk alongside their grief without trying to offer solutions.

Which leads me to point number two: Support during the year is just as needed as during the holidays and anniversaries. Don’t get me wrong, the holidays and anniversaries are very very hard and any support and encouragement on those days is greatly appreciated and needed!, but so is support on random days. 

After losing one of my close friends, there have been many random moments, on random days that cut deep to the core and the grief hits.  It truly comes in tidal waves. So my advice for this would be to make sure to check in once in a while and continue to pray for those who have lost someone because you never know when those waves of grief will hit. I can’t even comprehend the loss of a spouse, child or parent, but even in my small submerge in grief, it is apparent that it cuts deep and stays with you forever. Most of the time, those grieving hold it in because they don’t want to ruin the vibe or make it all about them and their grief.  Be kind and send some extra grace their way. 

If you are with someone who lost a loved one during a holiday or event, don’t neglect the support just because you don’t want to make it awkward or ruin the event. If you see someone and know this is an event that person who passed away would be at, don’t be afraid to tell them you miss their loved one. Ignoring the hole of that person makes the sufferer feel even more alone. Sometimes it’s the hardest for close friends and family to know how to bring up the loss of a loved one but it’s so important to acknowledge their existence than ignore it all together.

Lastly, do not compare your grief. This was a lie that I have struggled with the most with each death. I often think I shouldn’t be struggling so much or I should be over this by now. I wasn’t the spouse, family member, best friend, etc… NO, those are lies! Everyone is on their own faith journey and sometimes death hits harder than other times. You do not need to judge yourself for whatever time or support you need in the grieving process. You may be learning something in this time of loss that others have learned or will learn. Plus, it shows humanity when we grieve a life that is gone too soon. God created us to live with Him forever, so we have eternity in our hearts and the separation is piercing to the soul. When you grieve someone, it shows that you loved and valued that person regardless of your relationship with that person.

Don’t just give others grace in this time but also give yourself grace! If you need to post about it, do it. If you need to call someone to talk about it, call them. If you need to look at pictures, take the time. If you need support, ask for it and allow yourself to rely on other people’s strength. Cry out to God and tell Him your pain.

Don’t over analyze your needs based on false assumptions made from the outward appearance of those also going through grief.

In the end, there are so many layers to grief and so much to learn on how to support one another during this process.  My advice is to talk about these issues and learn from each other. Ask those hard questions and look for ways to be there for one another.  In the end, run to God and hold onto His truths.  Jesus loves you so much and gave His life for you. Cry out to Him and He will never leave you nor forsake you. 

I’ll leave you with this verse: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says, “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”