Death

I wrote this after the sudden death of Rosella in February 2018:

The reality of death hits you out of nowhere and brings such a gut wrenching punch that your breath is taken away and an emptiness is left in that spot. After the initial shock wore off, anger took its place and the questions of “why” wouldn’t stop and the feeling of unfairness was overwhelming. As a believer, I was not doubting that God exists but if His plan was good. How could this be beneficial to us? We lost a friend, a daughter and a faithful servant active in her faith. 

A little backstory: I met Rosella serving at Camp Barakel in the summer in 2017. There is something special about serving alongside each other as camp counselors that knits you together faster and in deeper ways than most experiences. Camp friends have a special way of making it into your heart. That fall we continued to stay in contact and meet up a few times for different events. She was 20 when she passed away, so young and vibrant, so much life in her.

As the days turned into weeks, I found myself still wrapped in sadness and overwhelming feelings of fear for my future and those around me. That false sense of control over my life was shattered with only a few words.

Before, death always seemed distant and for the old or sick, not the hearty and young.

Reality woke me up to the truth that I could lose anyone at any time and that my life on earth could end tomorrow. We, especially in America, allow ourselves to believe that death will come with a warning label like sickness or old age.  The truth that death can come at any time creates an urgency to keep short accounts and make an effort to show those around us that we love them because any one of those texts, hugs or conversations could be our last with them. It reminds us to treasure and live in every moment. 

I was not prepared to hear those words, “__________ died” nor do I think anyone is ready for those words. It’s amazing how hard times will reveal to you areas in your life where your faith is not as strong. Where you might be saying, “you can have all that God, but I’ll hold onto this piece myself, I got it.” That, my friends, is the biggest deception we can tell ourselves because when rubber meets the road, you’ll be left trying to pick up the pieces.

Here I was living my life with this false sense of control. Even though I was active in my faith and loved God with my whole heart, I was holding onto control for my future and I did not even realize it. Rosella’s passing blared this truth in front of me. To be honest, it took a lot of wrestling with God before I was able to acknowledge that He was and is still good.

After this long and hard year of learning how to grieve and what grief looks like, I’ve learned that we need to better prepare ourselves for the day we hear those words, because in reality everyone will hear it at some point. We will all face hardships, debility grief, mountains that seem unmovable and times where our foundations will be shattered. But thanks be to God, who has given us hope in Jesus and the promise of His peace, joy, grace and forgiveness. If we can, daily, enter into God’s presence, giving up of our selfish ways and learning from Him, when those hard times come, the grief will be intense, but we will have an anchor to hold onto, a comforter, a friend.

We need to be so engrossed in God’s word that when hurt and sin enter our lives we have truths to back them up and words of comfort to heal. We need to build a support system of community around us that “Rejoices with those who rejoice; weeps with those who weep,”  Romans 12:15. We need to have such a strong foundation in God and find our joy and peace in Him, that when our world is shaken we are anchored to the only one who can hold us up. The pain will be real, the hurt will cut deep and the loss will feel great, but we will have hope in a future yet to come.

Lastly, when the thought of losing someone else overwhelms me, I remind myself to be grateful for the time I have with them and remind myself that earth is not our homeland. Hebrews 11 has been a great comfort these past few years. “These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that they were strangers and exiles on the earth.” Scripture has a powerful way of being balm to your soul, read it and relish in His truths.